


Max and Rocket's Cosmic Comic-Con

by StrongBrush1



Series: The Freelance Police Files [2]
Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Prequel (Webcomic), Sam & Max
Genre: Drug-Induced Sex, F/M, M/M, Marijuana, Mpreg, Pregnancy, San Diego Comic-Con, Unplanned Pregnancy, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-12-24 13:36:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12013875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StrongBrush1/pseuds/StrongBrush1
Summary: Max gets bored very easily. So when he gets tired of being a third wheel for Sam and Katia's Comic-Con date. he wanders off on his own to get into some shenanigans. And boy, does he ever.What follows is a very detailed description of the craziest day of Max's life.





	Max and Rocket's Cosmic Comic-Con

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s Note:
> 
> Well, it’s September. I am currently six months behind my writing schedule for the year. Fuck it. I’m done with college and I want to make the most of my free time. 
> 
> So, I'm going to make you a deal: From now until the end of December, my output should be more regular, but I will not post anything longer than 10 pages for the sake of my own sanity. So, you'll get a selection of Short stories about cartoon characters who meet up for profound intellectual discussions of philosophy and modern societal standards and-
> 
> I’m just joking. They'll fuck each other’s brains out. While discussing philosophy and modern societal standards. Hey, just because it’s porn doesn’t mean I can’t try to be profound. It’s not impossible to stroke your chin and your cock (or clit, if you’re a woman) at the same time.
> 
> I've rambled long enough. BEGIN THE MADNESS!

MAX & ROCKET'S COSMIC COMIC CON

Based on the Documentary Short CARBINES, COCKS AND COMIC CON by Jack Mehoff

San Diego. Or as Sam and Max liked to call it, Heatstroke City, USA. The duo had come to the city multiple times before for Comic Con, and Max normally loved spending time with Sam as friends outside of work. However, this year Sam brought along Katia, his loving and very pregnant girlfriend, so those plans of quality time were dashed.

Our story proper begins at 10:00 in the morning with one little question, borne of boredom and aimlessness:  
“Hey, Sam, you don’t mind if I wander off by myself, do you?” asked Max.  
“Oh, no, not at all, little buddy,” said Sam. “Just don’t get into any trouble.”  
“I won’t.” Max wandered off, aimless and bored.  
“He’s going to get into trouble, isn’t he?” asked Katia.  
“No question.” said Sam.

Max spent the better part of one hour walking around the floor, doing almost nothing but watching other people and collecting all the complimentary promotional crap he could find. Every time he saw a couple in cosplay, he couldn’t help but feel more alone than he’d felt in years.  
Fuck it. Time to see if anyone at Comic Con was up for a one night stand.  
Max checked his phone. No new texts or emails, but he did have a notification on Matchbox. Apparently he had found a new single in the area, one… Rocket Raccoon?  
Max rolled his eyes. Another fake celeb account? Please. But, since the bored lagomorph had nothing better to do, he responded to the message.

“Hi there. I’m a Nigerian Prince.”  
“Nigeria isn’t a monarchy, dumbass.”  
“And you’re not the real Rocket Raccoon. Guess we’re both liars.”  
“No, I’m actually the real deal. I can prove it too.”  
“Sure you can.”  
“Your name is Max, right?”  
“Yeah, so?

Attached in the chat was a short video, which Max clicked on. It depicted the real, actual Rocket Raccoon, wearing a promotional Comic-Con t-shirt and smiling at the camera. “Hi there, Max Cottontail. Guess what? I’m your new Matchbox match.”

Max couldn't believe it. It shouldn’t have been true, but he was receiving messages from the actual Rocket Raccoon. “Oh. My. God,” he texted back. “It’s actually you?”  
“Yep,” replied Rocket, through text, “the genuine article. So what’s your story?”  
“OMG I’m SO sorry. I’m from New York City, I’m a freelance policeman, and in case you were wondering, I’m a sub.”  
“So you’re a cop?”  
“Not exactly. More like a detective who gets called in to deal with extraterrestrial/ paranormal shit.”  
“Sounds like a nice arrangement.”  
“What are some of your likes?”  
“Well. I’m really big into engineering. Bombs, high-tech laser guns, spaceships... you name it, I can build it, take it apart, and rebuild it into something even better. Hell, this phone I’m using used to be an old broken MP3 player.”  
“Awesome. I’m more of a combat guy myself. Guns, grenades, swordplay, hand to hand combat… I can do it all. So. do you like junk food? Because I do very much”  
“I love food of any kind. But junk food especially.”  
Max was amazed at how well this was going. “Where have you been all my life?”  
“In space, probably. Guardians are a really busy sort of people.”  
“Where are you at? I wanna meet up ASAP.”  
“Well, I got a panel in Hall B about the Infinity War movie in like five minutes, but I can meet up with you at 1:00 in front of Hall B.”  
“I’ll be waiting.” 

TWO HOURS AND SIX MINUTES LATER

One minute later than promised, Rocket Raccoon emerged from Hall B and came across Max, waiting impatiently and expectantly.  
“Wow.” said Max. “Okay. It’s really you. I have no idea what to say.”  
“Let’s start by taking a walk,” said Rocket.  
Max nodded and the two started walking slowly down the main floor. “Okay. We’re taking a walk. I’m taking a walk with Rocket fucking Raccoon. This is a big deal.  
“You seem a bit restless.”  
“That’s because I am. Sam says I have dependency issues.”  
“Who’s Sam?  
“Oh, right, I never told you about Sam. See, when I was five, I had no friends at school until this dog, Sam Wolfhound, started hanging out with me and from then on we did practically everything together as friends.”  
“That’s nice to hear.”  
“I actually came to the con with him, but he and his girlfriend Katia are spending all of their time together and now I’m completely alone.”  
“Is that why you’re so on edge?”  
“Yeah, I guess. Sorry.”  
“It’s alright. I understand.” Rocket checked his phone. “You know, I have something with me that can help you take the edge off. I gotta get back to the team in an hour, but that should be plenty of time for us to hang out at the hotel.”  
“So.. my place or yours?”  
“Yours. Peter told me if I mess up the Hotel Room in any way, I gotta pay for damages.  
Max bolted off with Rocket in tow. He had one hour of private time with Rocket Raccoon and he was going to make the most of it.

Room 17 at the Hard Rock Hotel. Rocket and Max were laying on the bed, both completely naked and staring at the TV, watching an old episode of Friends.  
“I’ve always been more of a Seinfeld guy,” Max said.  
“I can imagine that.” Rocket went into the pockets of his discarded clothing. “I got a question. Do you smoke?”  
“Not really. I tried smoking a cigarette once, but Sam made me stop immediately.”  
“Ah. Well, do you mind if I smoke some weed?”  
Max was a little bit taken aback that Rocket smoked marijuana, but upon reflection, it wasn’t that shocking. “On one condition.”  
“What’s that?”  
“I want a joint too.”  
Rocket took out a plastic bag of dubiously legal weed and some rolling papers. He coached Max along in rolling a joint, and eventually Max got the gist of it: fold the paper, insert the weed, add the filter, roll and seal. It was like origami for college kids.  
Max was desperate to rid himself of his anxiety. He knew weed was habit forming, but he didn’t care. He wanted to be calm and collected and enjoy his time with Rocket. Max stuck the joint in his jagged teeth and turned to Rocket, who had just lit his own joint. Rocket gave the lighter to Max, who struggled to make it work.  
“Here, let me do it,” said Rocket, taking back the lighter. He turned the lighter back on an Max leaned forward, burning the tip of his joint. “Remember to breathe it in slowly.”  
Max inhaled as slowly and deeply. The smoke tickled his lungs and caused him to start coughing uncontrollably. He didn’t get how it was supposed to be relaxing. But then the dopamine came flooding in. His eyes went wide and slightly bloodshot. Suddenly the tension in his muscles seemed to vanish completely. His vision was clouded with vibrant colors. “Wow, this is good shit.”  
“I should hope so,” said Rocket. “I paid like $100 for one ounce of this stuff.”  
Max sighed. He was starting to mellow out, but he still felt lonely.  
“What’s the matter? Still hung up on your friend?”  
“Yeah. It’s just… I’ve been coming to San Diego with Sam ever since we were teenagers and we’ve never been apart from each other this long. Just because he got a girlfriend who’s pregnant with his kid.”  
“You know, I used to have a similar problem with my friend Groot. Couldn’t bear to go without his company for too long. He’s almost died on me before and left me virtually on my own. But if there’s one thing that being a Guardian has taught me, it’s that great friends always stay with you spiritually. Even when Groot, Pete, Drax and Gamora are off doing their own respective things, I don’t feel completely lonely because I know they’re probably out there thinking about me too.”  
“Huh. I never really thought about it like that.”  
“So, Sam is spending the day with his pregnant lady friend. That doesn’t mean he’s not thinking about you.”  
“Thanks, Rocket. That means a lot.”  
“According to my watch, we’ve got an hour and twenty five minutes left together. So, how do you wanna spend it?”  
Max took another drag of his joint. “Look, we both know where this is going. Wanna cut to the chase?”  
Rocket grinned. Closing and throwing his lighter onto his pile of clothes, Rocket stood upon the bed. He wasn’t quite hard yet, but he was still ready to fuck. 

Rocket looked down at Max. Max was slender, and not very well endowed, but that was perfectly fine. Max didn’t need a big dick or big balls because he was the bottom. In fact, the short, stubby, flaccid dick hanging almost pointlessly against Max’s average-sized balls made Rocket even more aroused.  
Compared to Max, Rocket was a monster in terms of physical endowments. His throbbing, bulging manhood would have put some humans to shame. Max couldn’t wait any more. He assumed position and invited Rocket to go to town.  
Rocket decided to test Max’s ass before he let himself in. Rocket poked and prodded at the clenched butthole until his index finger slipped inside. He followed by adding the middle finger, and then finally jammed in his entire fist. Max tooke the insertion like a champ.  
Feeling around inside Max’s butthole, Rocket felt something oddly solid and metallic. Pulling it out, the obstruction turned out to be Max’s trusty Luger pistol. “You keep a gun in your asshole?”  
“I keep lots of stuff in my asshole. Could you put that back please?” Rocket returned the weapon to its… holster, and decided to just move forward with anal. In order to set the mood, Rocket decided to play some music from his phone. The track? “Weapon of Choice” by Fatboy Slim. 

Rocket jammed himself inside Max, who moaned with pleasure. As the beat kicked in, Rocket began moving in and out to the rhythm of the music, letting his animalistic instincts kick in. Any clever banter they had in mind for the situation had melted away in the wake of the intense pleasure they were both experiencing. The hallucinogenic effects of the weed were beginning to kick in intensely. Max felt like he was being pushed out of his own body by the universe’s cock. Rocket, meanwhile, felt as if his body was disintegrating around him.  
The two disembodied souls met each other in the cosmic plane and stared longingly into each other’s eyes, embracing with such passion and force that the separate entities became one ever-shifting force of orgasmic pleasure. This sensation continued for a good thirty minutes, long after Max and Rocket had both ejaculated so much that their balls began to feel like they had lost ten pounds.

After Rocket and Max had done the deed, they simultaneously collapsed on the bed from exhaustion. It was the most amazing sensation Max had ever experienced, and Rocket could easily place this in his top ten. Maybe top five. Rocket excused himself to go shower off, leaving Max to soak in what he had just gone through. He couldn’t believe he had never experienced sex this intense. It was like his first time with Sam multiplied by that time he accidentally sat on a lit firecracker.

After Rocket finished using the shower, he toweled off, grabbed his stuff and put his clothes back on. “Max, it’s been fun, but I’ve gotta go meetup with the rest of the Guardians. Some promotional thing for that Telltale game we’re making.”  
“I remember when I was in a Telltale Game,” said Max, still dazed. “Wait, you’re leaving so soon?”  
“I only had an hour and that hour’s almost up.” Rocket quickly pulled out a post-it note and pen from his backpack, quickly scribbling down his name and phone number. “If you ever want to get in contact with me, call this number. I can’t promise I’ll pick up, but I will call you back as soon as I can.” With that, Rocket left his number on the dresser and took off. Max was used to seeing people leave immediately after sex, but somehow Rocket’s assurance that this would not be a one-time experience actually sounded and felt genuine.  
After Rocket left, his thoughts returned to Sam and Katia. Shit. He probably should have texted them beforehand.  
Max could still feel semen sloshing around inside of him, and the bedsheets were absolutely ruined. Max laid down, rolling in a shallow pool of his own spunk. He wanted the get up and change the sheets, but he had spent all of his energy on sex. Not that it would have mattered much because as soon as Rocket had left, Sam and Katia had returned to the hotel room, presumably for some quiet time.  
“I should have figured,” said Sam.  
“Sam. Holy shit. Rocket. Motherfucking. Raccoon. Fucking POUNDED me. Oh god… my ass feels so sore, but it’s so good...”  
Sam raised an eyebrow. “Rocket Raccoon. You had sex with a Guardian of the Galaxy. Sure.”  
“I’m serious. He left his number on the dresser. He brought weed… oh, man I am so fucking high right now.”  
Sam was still hesitant. “Max, stop lying to me. It’s not funny.”  
Katia looked into Max’s eyes. They definitely looked more bloodshot than usual. “I don’t think he’s lying about the weed,” she said.  
Sam, a bit surprised, picked Max up off the bed and stood him up straight. “Max, where did you get the weed?”  
“Rocket brought it in. Offered me some. My mind is straight blown, and so is my load.”  
Sam was impressed, but also a little ticked off. “You had sex with Rocket Raccoon and you didn’t bother to warn me that it might happen?”  
“Didn’t have time. Rocket said he only had one hour off.”  
Katia butted in. “If you lads don’t mind, I think I need the toilet.”  
“Go ahead,” said Sam. Katia went into the bathroom and shut the door. Seconds later, she was hunched over the toilet, retching from morning sickness. “Max,” said Sam. “You can’t keep doing this. You can’t keep inviting over people you and I don’t know for one night stands.  
Max had sobered up slightly. “It’s not a one night stand this time, Sam. This is different. We had a bonding experience. I could feel our souls intertwine. Rocket gave me his number!”  
“How did you even meet Rocket?”  
“On Matchbox. I thought it was a fake account at first, but no. It’s legit.”  
“You know, the least you could do is warn me before this stuff happens.”  
“Oh, like YOU warn me about every fucking thing you do. Tell me, before you knocked up Katia, did you send me a message that said ‘Hey Max, about to have sex with a woman I just met. Might possibly impregnate her and bring her onto the team and spend every waking moment with her from now until the day I die, k thanks bye’? You don’t think I have a tough time dealing with YOUR shit?”  
Sam got indignant. “You leave Katia out of this. She’s had a rough life.”  
“Look. I’m sorry, okay? I’m fucking sorry about the Japanese businessmen and bi-curious young adults I brought into the apartment without fair warning. I just never had someone who I love the way you love Katia.”  
Sam paused, collecting himself. “Is that why this happened? You were jealous of Katia?”  
“We’ve been best friends since Kindergarten. Ever since Katia showed up and you put a baby in her-”  
“Actually, I forgot to mention… Katia’s having twins.”  
“Exactly my point! Why did I not know this? I’ve spent half the year being a third fucking wheel!”  
“Max.” Sam grabbed his little buddy by the shoulders. “When I was hanging out with Katia today, we spent a good chunk of our time talking about you. Katia isn’t taking your place as my best friend. Hell, I’ve had more sex with you than with her. She may be my girlfriend, but you’re still my best friend.”  
Max’s eyes welled up. He and Sam hugged tightly. “Thank you, Sam.”  
“No problem, little buddy.” The embrace ended. “But seriously, if this relationship between you and Rocket is legit, no more one-night stands.”  
Max thought about this. “Fair enough.”

ONE MONTH LATER

Back in New York, the Freelance Police were back in business. In the last month alone, Sam, Max and Katia had ventured into the Peruvian Jungle, stopped an interplanetary conspiracy to take over the world with corn, and been to the moon twice. Even though Katia was on the verge of giving birth, the Freelance Police kept themselves busy. So busy, in fact, that Max hadn’t had time to meet up with Rocket again since Comic-Con ended.  
The two regularly chatted through texts, but the two hadn’t had an in-person meeting in months. True to his word, Max hadn’t slept with anyone else for a month. Not even Sam.

One morning, Max became sick for no discernible reason. Sam was over at Katia’s place at the time, so he was alone and had no clue what could possibly be happening. He texted Rocket as soon as he could.  
“You up?”  
“Well, it’s four in the morning over in CA, but I am now, yes.”  
“Sorry for waking you up. I’m feeling sick and I don’t knuckle whalebone”  
“What?”  
“I puked and my finger slipped and it autocorrected.”  
“Did you eat some bad food or something?”  
“No, but now I’m hungry for pretty much everything.”  
“Okay… what’s your temperature?”  
“Let me check.”

Max went into the bathroom and immediately started rummaging through the medicine cabinet, which was somehow even more full to bursting than the closet. Painkillers, bandages, unused pregnancy test- wait, how did THAT get in there? Finally, Max found an oral thermometer. He very carefully slipped the metal tip underneath his tongue, trying not to gag or bite down too hard. The thermometer beeped. 98.5 degrees.

“98.5 degrees,” Max texted back to Rocket.  
“Well you don’t have a fever. So unless you somehow got pregnant, I don’t know what could be wrong.”

Max thought for a moment and then went back into the medicine cabinet for the pregnancy test he found earlier. He took it out, but had no idea how to use it. After a mad dash for the instructions, Max headed over to the toilet and peed on the test stick. If nothing else, this would put his mind at rest.

Five minutes later, the stick displayed a blue plus sign. Max immediately texted back Rocket:  
“Going to the hospital. Might know what’s wrong with me.” Max ran out the door but before he got too far along, he made sure to text Sam and Katia as well.

EIGHT HOURS, MULTIPLE BLOOD TESTS, AND AN IMPASSIONED RANT ABOUT AMERICA’S HEALTH CARE SYSTEM LATER

Max came back to the apartment. When he opened the door, Sam and Katia were talking and waiting for him to come in.  
“Max! There you are!” said Sam.  
“What happened? Are you going to be alright?” asked Katia.  
“Why haven’t you texted me back?”  
Max held up his phone. “Phone ran out of battery when I got to the hospital,” he said. “Couldn’t have texted you even if I wanted to.”  
“By the way,” said Katia, “your friend from San Diego is here.”  
Rocket Raccoon stepped out of the bathroom. Max instantly went in for a hug, which Rocket reciprocated. “ROCKET! Oh my god, I haven’t seen you in a month!”  
“I’ve been a little busy,” said Rocket. “But I was able to take some time out of my schedule to pay you a visit. Just landed at JFK two hours ago.”  
“So,” said Sam, “what’s the diagnosis?”  
Max let go of Rocket and looked around the room sheepishly. “There’s no easy way to say this or explain it, but… I’m pregnant.”  
Sam’s jaw dropped. Katia’s eyes went wide. Rocket couldn’t believe his ears.  
“I know it sounds impossible, but… apparently my “inventory” doubles as a set of female reproductive organs.”  
“Wait,” said Sam. “You’ve had sex with more guys than I can count on my fingers and toes twice over. If you can get pregnant, how has this never happened before?”  
“Rocket’s the only one who ever brought me to climax with just sex.”  
“Hold on, time out.” said Rocket. “So you’re saying I knocked you up?”  
“Hey, it’s not like I knew about this any more than you did!”  
“Oh my God… this cannot be happening… this is exactly why I stopped hooking up with my female fans!”  
“Don’t worry, Rocket. I’ll take care of the kids by myself if I have to.”  
Sam was even more shocked now. “Kids? Plural?”  
“Triplets. All of them are Raccoons.”  
Rocket sighed. “Max, you know I’m a busy animal. I could be gone for months at a time on business. I love you, but I don’t know if this is gonna work out-”  
“Rocket.” said Max. “ I haven’t seen you in a month and I still feel the same way about you. We can make long-distance work.”  
Rocket considered this. “Okay, I’ll try to make time for you. But right now I gotta go. I’m needed on the set of Infinity War for some reshoots tomorrow.”  
Max and Rocket hugged again. “I look forward to our next meeting.”  
“Take care of yourself.” With that, Rocket quickly made his way out the door and back to the airport.

Max turned back to Sam and Katia. Both of them still couldn’t get past the ‘Max is pregnant’ part of what they had heard.  
Max shrugged. “I don’t understand either.”  
Sam and Katia looked at each other and finally just accepted the news. Sam was the first to speak. “Well, congratulations, little buddy. It’s not every day you become a… mother? Father? Does the title depend on gender or who’s actually having the kid?”  
“Whatever the case,” said Katia, “I’m not going to lie to you. The next eight months are going to be VERY difficult.”  
“How so?” asked Max.  
“Your hormones are going to drive you crazy. You’ll be gaining a LOT of weight from all the hunger cravings.”  
“Eh, nothing I haven’t experienced before.”  
“People are going to stare. The contractions are going to hurt. Your belly will get stretch marks. And your vagina, er, I guess in this case your arse, is NEVER going to feel tight ever again.”  
Max started to flinch.“That’s… slightly more distressing.”  
“And you’ll never want to be too far away from a restroom or someplace where no one can see you relieving yourself. Because you will whatever control you have over your bodily functions.”  
Max had heard way too much. “OKAY I GET IT!”  
“Don’t worry. I’m sure you’ll get through it alright.”  
Sam scratched his head. “So... now what?” The phone began to ring. Before anyone could think twice about it, Sam and Max began their usual fight over the phone. Katia picked it up first, however.  
“Hello. Yes? One moment.” Katia held the phone out to Sam. “It’s for you.”  
Sam took the phone and held it up to his ear. “Yes? Uh-huh. Yep. Really? Okay.” Then, he hung up.  
“Was it the commissioner?” asked Max.  
“You bet. Ready for a trip to the deep, uninhabitable bowels of the African Jungle?”  
“As long as you never say “bowels” to me ever again.”  
“I’ll pack the car,” said Katia.

Speculations and interpersonal drama could wait for now, because adventure called, and adventure doesn’t leave messages on your voicemail.


End file.
